How to be Polite in English

My student just told me a story about an English mistake that got him in trouble.

He’s a doctor in England, but he’s originally from Pakistan. He only recently arrived in England and was trying to improve his English quickly so that he could communicate better with his patients.

At the hospital, there’s a cafeteria where the medical workers go to eat lunch. He waited in line and when it was his turn, he ordered.

He said “I’ll have the pasta”.

The cafeteria worker gave him a dirty look and said “I bet you will”, and shoved the food towards him.

She was offended!

Why? My student didn’t mean to say anything offensive, he was just ordering some food.

In his home country, direct speech was normal. But in England, the way he phrased his request sounded almost like a command. He hadn’t meant to be rude, but the cultural differences in politeness had created an awkward moment.

This story highlights a common challenge for English learners: politeness in English works differently than in many other languages.

There are no formal or informal verb forms. Instead, politeness depends on tone, phrasing, indirectness, and non-verbal communications.

Let’s talk about how to be polite in English and how you can avoid these situations.

Why Politeness in English is Different from Other Languages

In many languages, politeness is built into the grammar.

Languages like Korean, French, and Japanese have formal and informal verb forms that signal respect. Speakers automatically adjust their phrasing based on who they’re talking to.

But English doesn’t have these built-in markers of politeness.

Instead, it relies on various techniques to soften requests and show respect. This can be confusing for non-native speakers, especially those from cultures where directness is normal.

For example, in English, saying “Give me a sandwich” sounds impolite, and “Could I have a sandwich, please?” is polite.

The meaning is the same, but the second version uses modal verbs, indirect phrasing, and “please” to soften the request. Because English politeness is more subtle, misunderstandings are common.

Key Elements of Politeness in English

Politeness in English isn’t just about using the right words—it’s about how you say them.

Unlike languages that rely on formal grammar structures, English speakers soften their speech using tone, modal verbs, indirectness, and body language which all play a role in making speech sound polite.

A simple sentence can come across as friendly, rude, or even sarcastic depending on how it’s delivered.

Tone & Intonation

Tone (your attitude) and intonation (the highness or lowness of your pitch) are crucial in English politeness. A slight change in pitch or emphasis can make the difference between sounding friendly, neutral, or rude.

For example, compare these two sentences:

1. Can you help me? (Neutral politeness)
2. Can you HELP me!? (Sounds frustrated or demanding)

To put more emphasis on “HELP” and more volume throughout the sentence gives the impression that someone should be helping you, but isn’t. You might hear this sort of tone if your mom is struggling with a lot of heavy groceries and you’re watching TV!

In English, polite speech often has a rising or even tone, which makes requests sound softer. A flat or sharp tone, on the other hand, can make a sentence seem abrupt or impatient.

Non-native speakers sometimes unknowingly use an intonation pattern that sounds too direct, even if the words are polite. Being mindful of emphasis, pitch, and rhythm can help speech sound more natural and courteous.

Modal Verbs for Politeness

In English, modal verbs like “Could”, “Would”, “May”, and “Might” (the last one is a little old-fashioned) help soften requests, making them sound more polite. Instead of giving direct commands, these words create a sense of respect and consideration for the other person.

Compare these examples:

• Less polite: Can you give me a coffee?
• More polite: Could I have a coffee, please?

And these:

• Neutral: Can you help me?
• Softer & more polite: Could you please help me?
• Softer & more polite: Would you give me a hand please?

“Could” and “Would” are the most common choices for polite requests, while “May” and “Might” sound even more formal. Using these modals helps avoid sounding too direct, which can sometimes come across as rude in English.

Indirectness & Softening Language

English speakers often use indirectness to sound more polite, especially when making suggestions, giving feedback, or disagreeing. Instead of being too direct, they soften their language using hedging words like these:

• I was wondering if…
• It might be possible to…
• Maybe we could…

Softening Suggestions

Imagine a group of friends is trying to find a birthday present for a pregnant woman. Someone suggests buying her a motorcycle – probably not a great idea!

You could say “Maybe we could think of some other ideas before we decide on anything”.

This avoids explicitly saying it’s a bad idea.

Softening Corrections

Now, let’s say someone believes that the Eiffel Tower is in London. A direct correction like “You’re wrong, it’s in France” can sound rude.

A softer approach would be:

• Actually, I think it’s in France
• Are you thinking of Big Ben? The Eiffel Tower is in France
• Are you sure? Isn’t it in France?

I know for a fact that The Eiffel Tower is in France, but phrasing the correction as a question or using “I think” allows the other person to say “Oh yeah, what was I thinking, of course it’s in France!”. It allows them to “save face”, which keeps them from feeling embarrassed about the mistake.

By using indirect language, we avoid sounding too blunt while still getting our message across.

American Cultural Differences in Indirectness

As a native Californian, I’m an expert in indirectness! 😉 Americans from the West Coast carefully choose words to avoid offending people.

If someone suggested buying a motorcycle for a pregnant woman I’d be thinking, “What a stupid, terrible idea”, but I’d actually say something like “That’s an interesting idea but maybe we could think of some other options too?”

That’s why a lot of Americans are seen as being “fake”, but that’s just how West Coasters speak! We understand each other, and it’s not fake to us, it’s just polite.

In contrast, people from the East Coast might literally say “What a stupid, terrible idea”.

Non-Verbal Politeness in English

Politeness in English isn’t just about words—it also involves body language, facial expressions, and timing. Even if your phrasing is perfect, the wrong non-verbal cues can make you seem rude or unapproachable.

Eye Contact

In many English-speaking cultures, maintaining eye contact is a sign of confidence and attentiveness. Too little eye contact can make you seem disinterested or even dishonest, while too much can feel aggressive. A natural balance is ideal—looking at the speaker but occasionally breaking eye contact.

Smiling

A smile can go a long way in English-speaking cultures. In the U.S., especially, smiling is used to show friendliness and approachability, even with strangers. If I pass someone on the street, I make eye contact, smile, nod my head a little, and say hello. That is considered to be pretty friendly, but most Americans wouldn’t say it’s “too much”.

Personal Space

People in English-speaking countries value their personal space. Standing too close can make someone uncomfortable, while too much distance can seem cold. A general rule is about an arm’s length for friendly conversations and a little bit more for formal relationships.

Nodding & Small Gestures

In conversations, small verbal and non-verbal acknowledgments—like nodding, saying “Uh huh,” “Okay,” or “Yeah”—show that you’re engaged in the conversation. In some cultures, silence means that you’re actively listening, but in English, silence can make people think you’re distracted or bored by the conversation.

Pausing Before Responding

If you jump in too quickly, it may seem like you weren’t really listening or that the other person is wasting your time. A very brief pause before responding shows that you’ve taken the time to think about what was said. Interrupting or answering before someone finishes asking their question would be rude.

British vs. American Non-Verbal Cultural Differences

Americans tend to be more expressive with gestures and smiling. They often maintain more eye contact and are comfortable with casual interactions.

Brits are usually more reserved, using fewer gestures and smiling less often, especially with strangers. Eye contact is still important, but they may glance away more frequently to avoid seeming overly intense.

Common Politeness Mistakes & How to Fix Them

Many English learners make small mistakes that can come across as rude or awkward. Let’s go over the most common ones so you can avoid making them.

Being Too Direct

Some languages use very direct speech, but in English, this can sound rude.

❌ Give me the menu.
✅ Could I see the menu, please?

The second version is softer and more polite. Using indirect phrasing helps avoid sounding too demanding.

Demanding vs. Requesting

In English, requests should sound like requests, not like forceful demands.

❌ Close the window.
✅ Would you mind closing the window?

The second version makes it clear that the listener has a choice, which sounds much more polite.

In English, we say “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar” (even though the last two words are usually left out). This means you can get more of what you want if you’re sweet and polite than if you’re demanding. I don’t know why anyone would want to catch flies, but that’s the expression! :)

Not Using “Please” and “Thank You”

Politeness often comes down to small words. If you don’t say “please” or “thank you,” you might sound rude, even if you don’t mean to be.

❌ Give me a coffee.
✅ Could I have a coffee, please?
✅ Thanks for the coffee.

Even if it’s a small interaction, English speakers expect these words in polite speech. And just a tip—using “thanks” is more casual, and using “thank you” makes you sound more sincere. Use “thank you” in more formal situations (like at restaurants) and for things that you’re especially grateful for.

Misusing Modals (“Can” vs. “Could”)

Modal verbs help soften requests, but misusing them can make you sound too direct:

❌ Can you pass the salt? (sounds neutral, sometimes too direct but not always, remember the other factors of politeness)
✅ Could you pass the salt, please? (softer, more polite)

“Could” and “Would” usually sound more polite than “Can” and “Will.”

Cultural Misinterpretations

A common mistake is assuming that “How are you?” is a real question requiring a detailed answer. In English, it’s usually just a polite greeting.

❌ How are you? → Oh, I’m not good. I had a terrible day…
❌ How are you? → I’m good, I had a great sleep last night, and a delicious breakfast, and I won the lottery and, and…
✅ How are you? → Good, thanks, how about you?

Unless the person is a close friend, a short, positive response is expected.

This one annoys me even as an American. Sometimes people say “What’s up” and then they stare at me as if expecting a real response. Other times, people say “What’s up” while they’re walking by me, so they are just using it as a greeting. There’s often no way of knowing what people mean, so don’t feel bad about making this mistake. It happens to me all the time.

In England, people often say “I’m fine” in response to “How are you?”. If someone said “I’m fine” in America, the other person would be concerned and ask what is wrong. British people just mean they’re fine! They’re feeling neutral, not bad or good. But Americans would think it means something bad if someone doesn’t say “I’m good”.

Over-Apologizing

Some learners say “Sorry” too often, even when it’s unnecessary. While “sorry” is useful, overusing it can make you sound unsure of yourself.

❌ Sorry, can I ask a question?
✅ Excuse me, may I ask a question?

If you didn’t actually do anything wrong, “Excuse me” is usually better than “Sorry.”

Fixing My Student’s Mistake

Alright so now that we’ve talked about politeness, let’s take a second look at my student, the Pakistani doctor in England.

When he got to the front of the line at the cafeteria, here’s how the interaction should have gone:

1. Smile, make eye contact, and say “hello” to the cafeteria worker. (Customer service workers deserve extra politeness, they usually have to deal with a lot of rude people.)
2. She would then smile, make eye contact, and maybe say “hello” back before asking what you’d like to order.
3. You could say, “I’d like the pasta, please” or “Could I have the pasta, please?”. Both are equally polite and non-demanding. Always say “please” when you’re requesting something.
4. She would say “Sure, no problem” and give you the food.
5. Say “thank you” and take the food.

For the record, in the real scenario, the woman was very rude. She didn’t need to respond that way to someone whose first language was clearly not English. Maybe she was having a bad day.

My student didn’t mean any offense to her, but a simple mistake in English politeness caused an uncomfortable situation.

British and American Politeness

Direct vs. Indirect

British English tends to be more indirect and formal, while American English is more straightforward but still polite.

British English (Less direct, more formal):

• “I was wondering if you could help me with this?”
• “Would you mind passing the salt please?”

American English (More direct but still polite):

• “Can you help me with this?”
• “Could you pass the salt please?”

Regional Differences in Politeness

Even within the US and the UK, there are regional differences to consider too.

• Southern U.S.: Known for extra politeness (Using titles such as “Yes, ma’am” and “No, sir”).
• New York/East Coast: More direct and blunt.
• California/West Coast: Friendly but casual.
• Northern England: More informal speech.
• London/Southern England: More formal and polite.

Conclusion

This might seem like a lot to handle. New York is blunt, California is indirect, London is formal. But there are commonalities between all of them.

1. We all appreciate some eye contact and a small smile to show friendliness.
2. We all appreciate the use of “please” and “thank you”.
3. We all appreciate non-demanding requests.

If you just stick with those three rules, you’ll be able to speak to natives without offending anybody. You’ll be able to develop more politeness as you as exposed to the variety used by those around you. So get out there and practice!

If you have some questions about politeness or you want to roleplay different scenarios, then book a lesson with me. I’d be happy to help you out.